You want the cloud up and rain all over version?
I think I can hear street noises back there in the first half.
You’re too close to the microphone. I can hear breath noises and p-popping in a couple of places.
Your support sounds are too loud. That keypad sound effect at 3 seconds is nearly three times louder than you are. Anybody listening on headphones would be in trouble.
Is that air conditioning or heater fan noise behind you? Computer fan noise? Can you tell if the computer is on just by listening?
The ambience sound starting about 21 seconds is too loud. Support sounds have to say something or advance the story. Not just be there.
You know what I would have done? At “down the dark corridor”, I would have made your normal background room sound slowly louder. Maybe add footsteps. Then at a reveal point, kill it to studio silence.
Radio theater isn’t easy.
I designed a simple “kitchen table sound studio” for people who had to record at home.
https://forum.audacityteam.org/t/too-compressed-rejection/52825/22
Did you keep your raw voice as a separate WAV (Microsoft) 16-bit sound file as backup? If I asked you to post just the voice could you do it?
Is the edit master a WAV file? Never, ever do production in MP3. It creates distortion, it gets worse as you go, and you can’t stop it.
Did you write the story?
Koz